In defense of toddlers

This past weekend we saw Toy Story 3.   If you haven't seen it, beware spoiler alert!
Toddlers get a bit of a bad rap in this film.  But we think that Buzz makes a solid point.  There is something to the idea of age appropriateness in regards to toys.   If you haven't seen the movie, Andy's toys find themselves in a daycare toddler room and are sorely abused.  They are thrown, colored on, tossed about, sucked on, licked, and ripped apart.  The toys hate it and plan their escape.  Buzz pleads to the big-bear-in-charge to be moved to the preschool room, where the children play lovingly with toys.  He explains that Andy's toys are not meant for the toddler room, that they are not age appropriate for toddlers.  He makes a point, and its one we would agree with.

Far too often, toddlers take the rap for our poor planning.  We give them things that aren't for them, inundate them with rules and expectations, and then become shocked when they protest.  They get called willful and difficult.  They are referred to as Neanderthals by renowned pediatricians.  Synonymous with their stage is the word terrible.  We would be cranky too! 

In full disclosure, we adore this age!  Adore it!  Most people are suckers for the little faces, sweet little hands, and the their language quirks.  But we are suckers for the parts that most people are hell bent on getting rid of.  We say bring on the will.  Bring on the opinions, discernment, and speaking up for themselves.  We should mention that we are big talkers and consequently so are the toddlers we have had the pleasure of knowing.  It has always been confusing for us when we read the conventional musings on toddler's lack of ability to communicate.  This has not been our experience.  We've always found that if we are listening they will let us know what they need.  Have you ever noticed that toddlers often are modeling the adult we wish we could be?  The ability to say "no" efficiently and with no regrets, willingness to express their feelings without censuring themselves, and the ability to get their needs met whether it be for a nap, snack, or "Help me!!".  
What makes them difficult from the adult point of view is our inability to control them.  Just a few short months ago, we could pick them up and plop them down.  Take things away.  Make all the decisions without any consultation.  But now, gone is the go-along-to-get-along spirit that we are used too.  Now we have this person demanding to be heard and often adults don't like it.
They have ideas about how things should go, what they should wear, and what they want to eat.
We have found that working with a toddler is always much more enjoyable than trying to control them. If we want our walls to stay clean- perhaps no crayons or markers until older.   Crayons and markers are so much fun, especially if you have older siblings because it is something that older children use, but since young toddlers don't have amazing fine motor ability yet- drawing on paper can sometimes stifle their creative juices. (Tip: sidewalk chalk washes off in the rain and stays outside. Paint brushes and water leave no traces.)  We have found that generally when toys are played with roughly, then something in the environment needs to change.  Maybe it's nap time.  Or maybe they need more space to run free.  Or maybe the toys in the space do not hold a toddler's interest not because toddlers have short attention spans (gosh, we wish we had a dollar for all the times we were twiddling our thumbs while waiting for a toddler to be ready to move on!) but rather because the toy isn't right for them developmentally.  Often, the toys are too specific.  There is not much to do with a Buzz Lightyear except role play with him.  And since they aren't quite there yet- they make  up new ways to play with him. Toss him, pull on him, lick him.  Toddlers thrive on open ended toys.  Toys that do not have specific rules, expectations, or purposes.  They are developing their creativity, imagination, ingenuity, and autonomy.  This is why they will play with a cardboard box instead of the toy.  They want to be the master of their domain.  They want to be the one creating the play.  Not piggybacking on an other's idea.
 And shouldn't they get to have someplace free of the word that is said over and over to them throughout the day, "no". We smiled for days after hearing Ellen mention on her show that it's no wonder it's a child's first word when that's all we say to them!  Smart lady!  Their play space should be a "Yes Zone". Free of constraints and safe to explore. Then the environment can make everyone's day go a little easier. We don't have to manage their play- hallelujah!  And they will be happy not being controlled!

p.s. One more thought on the impulse to control toddlers, when you think about it it's pretty silly, as a teacher of ours once pointed out "Toddlers got the memo [on who's in charge]. The height gives us away."

Back to School

It's that time of year again!  Where did the summer go?  While you are getting your last days of summer fun in, we thought we would show you some of our favorite school designs around the world!

via bdonline.com

From Tokyo with love!  How fun is that slide?  But who's coming down when the top floor looks like that?

 via Charlie's Design Diary

This kindergarten is in Austria.  Do you see the puppet theater?!  Love that!

via babyology.com

The architects of this private school in Tel Aviv have thought of everything.  Ball pit! Swings!  Trike path!
And if that's not enough- notice the built ins in the art room. All those little slats to house art work- brilliant!

via Cool Hunter

Oh Berlin- how did we not think of wheelbarrows in the sand pit! Wonderful Idea, thanks!  If you look closely you can see that the children can climb on the yellow mats at the entrance.

via Treehugger

For those of us who dream of spending our days outside...Germany gives us the outdoor classroom.

To Share or Not to Share ... Part 2.

 Now what if someone took the latte?
Does it matter who takes it?
George can have it with a smile.
We were gonna give it to our friend.
We don't want it now that the smelly guy has it, but are completely bummed that he took it.
And that rude guy- we are probably gonna take it back and mention that it was ours!
Obviously somebody doesn't understand possession. The latte was ours- not his. We generally assume that those guys understand that taking a latte that looks delicious means that someone else no longer gets to delight in drinking it.
When a young toddler takes a truck away from another at the park- there is no thought of the other person's feelings.  It's pure impulse for the shiny object. Young children, because they do not understand possession, cannot be asked to share. They simply won't understand that by taking what they want there is an effect to another. What many toddler experts have found is that children who have been allowed to observe another child's reaction to an object being taken are more likely to develop empathy quicker than children who have not.  When Sarah takes Henry's toy and Henry cries, if an adult can hang back and not "fix" it ( i.e. admonish Sarah for not being nice, friendly, or not sharing and returning the toy to James), Sarah will generally notice James' tears and in more situations than we can count return the toy or find a new one for James' to play with. If we do not provide the solution sometimes they will find a better one.  Famed developmental theorist Jean Piaget once said "Every time you teach a child something you forever rob them of the chance to learn it for themselves." In so many situations between small children our desire for them to be good outweighs all the good that can come from them learning on their own.
If you are feeling really uncomfortable with just watching situations happen some advice that has helped us throughout the years is from from famed child psychologist Haim Ginott- remember to speak in "I" statements. "I want you to give that back" "I don't want you to take that shovel" And speak only to the problem."James is crying. He wants the truck." 
And keep in mind the old saying "Monkey see, Monkey do" -if we are models of generosity and kindness, wee ones can't help but follow suit. And as long as we aren't constantly reminding them of how magnanimous we are (no one likes a show off) they are sure to ease into sharing because it's just what we do!

To Share or Not to Share... part 1

Should a 15 month old be expected to share?
Parents were split on this question, which would explain the chaos at any city park.  Grandparents and non-parents were slightly more sure of the fact that young toddlers should in fact be expected to share. Unfortunately, for those adults and more to the point the young children in their care, research offers the opposite answer. Children this young cannot be expected to share their toys. In fact many developmental experts place the age of expectation (where you can reasonably assume consistency) around late preschool for comfortable relationships and early elementary school for less familiar relationships.
We know at this point you may be reeling and thinking "That's ridiculous! It would just be a free for all!" or "How can they learn if we don't teach them?" or "They will all be brats!"
This is a rather complicated issue. In one of our favorite books, Becoming the Parent You Want to Be- this topic takes up a whole chapter.
So bear with us, there's a lovely middle ground between forcing a child to do something they cannot developmentally handle and feeling like the world is going to cave in on itself if you don't teach your child manners.
But just take a moment and think about your day.
How often do you share something that's really important to you?
The next time you are at the park and you've brought your morning latte think about how likely it is that you would share it.
What would make you give away your morning treat?
What if the person was a perfect stranger? You may offer help- you may mention where you stopped for your desirable drink and give the other person directions. 
What if the person was rude? Nope.
What if the person was dirty and creepy? Not a chance.
What if the person was George Clooney? Certainly- who needs to drink coffee-you're awake now!
What if the person was your friend and you knew she was having a hard week and looked like she could really use a pick me up? You might offer it to her.
And what is the difference between these scenarios?
Empathy and a connection. True sharing is more than just the giving up of an object. The act requires the ability  to empathize or predict the need of another and act on this assumption.
(So sharing with Clooney isn't so much sharing -as it is bribery.)
It's the ability to understand that other people have feelings and desires too. " I can see you want it. Your want is greater than mine so you have it." But you cannot understand an other's feelings until you understand that you are an individual and you understand your own feelings and desires.
This act cannot become a series of rote rules. It loses the lesson. When we tell a child to go against their personal desire to please another we've just taught the art of people pleasing not the act of sharing.

Our hearts are in the right place, we want world peace and so we will start at home or the park. We want our children to be kind, loving, generous, giving people. But here is where our belief of the world fails us, we think we need to make that happen instead of trust that they are fundamentally kind, loving, generous, and giving. And when you can trust that -giving up on sharing at the park gets a little easier.